My Own Private Oscars Ceremony

Cinema...

I know you all miss my famous, media-landscaping-changing “CONSUMED” series (which is not dead but only in hibernation… just you wait), but I decided to whet your lips with a bit more classic movie talk. And what could be more classic than the Oscars! The only issue is that too many people have been discoursing the damn nominations to hell (disliking America Fererra’s monologue in Barbie is my special thing!!!). So instead, here is my completely new original thing, my dream Oscars nominations! The obvious things are missing because I haven’t seeeeeen themmmm yettttttttt. I did really good this year but nobody’s perfect. I’ll let you decide what’s genuine and what’s less genuine, like your a little rat and I’m giving you a fun brain puzzle. Let’s begin! 

BEST ACTRESS - Lily Gladstone (and if it goes to anyone else I will talk about it for years as if my lover was slain on the battlefield).  

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS - Ayo Edebiri in Everything!

BEST ACTOR - Old Man Cillian Murphy!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR - The Jock from Bottoms and Charles Melton can share it :)

Here’s one of them. You know what the other looks like… man when a photo drops of the two of them at an award show together that’s really gonna change everything for me.

BEST SCREENPLAY - Anatomy of a Fall!

BEST SCREENPLAY ON A LINE LEVEL - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem! 

MOST MOVIE THAT FEELS LIKE IT WANTS TO BE A PLAY - All of Us Strangers! 

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS - Dicks! The Musical, for the sewer boys, Whisper and Backpack! 

BEST HAIR AND MAKEUP - The Iron Claw! Specifically Jeremy Allen White’s real hair!

BEST TIME IN A THEATER - Cocaine Bear! 

BEST SLEEP I GOT IN THE THEATER - Ferrari whenever Penelope Cruz wasn’t on screen.

MOST STARTLED I WAS IN THE THEATER - Ferrari when I was asleep and suddenly all the cars were going vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroom!! Really loud!!

BEST ROMANCE - Jimmy Tatro and Noah Galvin in Theater Camp!

MOST USED AMC SODA CUP - Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour!

Me looking amazing per the usual.

BEST CASE AGAINST GOING INTO THE FILM INDUSTRY - May December! 

BEST CASE FOR GOING INTO THE FILM INDUSTRY - Asteroid City! 

BEST ORIGINAL SONG - Andrew Barth Feldman’s cover of “Maneater” in No Hard Feelings! 

BEST ADAPTATION OF A BOOK I LOVED WHEN I WAS 12 - Obviously this will go to Are you there God, it’s my Margare— what’s this?? YOU’RE SO NOT INVITED TO MY BAT MITZVAH!!!

LADY GAGA AWARD FOR STRIDES IN BISEXUAL REPRESENTATION - Southern President Uma Thurman for ordering pizza and saying “The ‘B’ in ‘LGBTQ’ is not a silent letter.” Okay President Fierce!

BEST CASE AGAINST ETHICAL NON-MONOGAMY - I know you were all sad about it getting snubbed in the last category, so this one goes to Passages! 

BEST CASE FOR ETHICAL NON-MONOGAMY - Poor Things! 

ACHIEVEMENT IN BEING HALF ASHKENAZI JEWISH AND HALF ITALIAN - This is clearly going to most-watched letterboxd actor of the year Jason Schwartzman — nope, I forgot about John Magaro in Past Lives! 

He’s kinda got the eyes of a friendly squirrel… TO ME.

MOST MADE ME WISH I STILL SMOKED WEED SO I COULD WATCH WHILE HIGH - Spider-Man: Across the Spider-verse! I know I could get through this one without a panic attack, I just know it! 

MOST MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS HIGH - Mean Girls: The Musical!

THE CHICAGO AWARD FOR EXCEPTIONAL MUSICAL THEATER ACTING ON SCREEN - Rachel Zegler in The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes! 

MOST MADE ME WANT TO CALL MY MOM AS I LEFT THE THEATER - The Boy and the Heron! 

THE THE DEPARTED AWARD FOR ADVANCEMENT IN REPRESENTING THE STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS - The Holdovers. 

THE SAM LEVINSON AWARD FOR GOOD CINEMATOGRAPHY IN A HORRIBLY WRITTEN FILM - Why— what’s this?? It’s a tie! MAESTRO and SALTBURN, get up here!

BEST PICTURE (THE ONE I REWATCHED THE MOST) - …Oppenheimer! Let’s all be civil here!